MS-HRC-SB-4-2-1

[0184] with the old eyes to come, there is of course the house on the
canal where mother lay dying, in the early autumn, after her long
widowhood, and the[0207] bench by the weir from where I could see her
window.

[0208] I sat there, wishing she were gone.[0208|001] Day after day.[0210] Quite
a number of people I got to know then, ^{oh I mean} by appearance, nursemaids
and children, old men, dogs.[0211] One dark young woman ^beauty I remember par-
ticularly, ^{[⁁] all white and starch [⁁]} with a big ba^lack pram.[0211|001] Day after day.[0212] When^ever I looked in
her direction she always had her eyes on me.[0213] And yet ^But when at last
I ventured^{[⁁] was foolish enough} to speak to her she threatened to call a policeman.[0217] The
face she had,^![0218] e^Eyes [0219] like...moonstones.

[0223] I was there when -o - 5⁽h^He
switches off, broods, w^switches on again)- the blind went down, one
of those dirty brown roller affairs, throwing a ball fo r a for a
dog as it happened ^{[Stet.] I was}.[0224] I looked up and there it was.[0225] ^{Over at last.}[0226] I sat a for a few
minutes ^{moment or so} with the ball in my hand and the dog barking and pawing at
me. [⁁][0228] [⁁]Moments ...[0228|001] (Pause.)[0229] Her moments. My moments.[0230] (Pause.)[0233] ^{In the x end} Then I held it out to him and he took it in his mouth, very
gently.[0234] An old tennis ball, black and sodden, but unpunctured.
[0235] ⁽ (Pause.)[0236] I wonder how much there is there.^{) will that ever mean anything.}
[0243] Pause.

[0244] Intellecy^tually a year of ^deep discouragement ^{gloom profound gloom} until that ^wonderful night in
March, at the end of the pier, in the high wind, when suddenly I
saw the whole thing.[0245] ^{The turning-point, at last.[⁁]}[0246] This, I realized over my wine, ^{I imagine} is what I have
chiefly to record ^{set down} this evening, against the day when my work will
be done and perhaps no place left in my memory, and no thankful-
ness, fot^r e^th^e moment ^miracle that ^-made it possible^[⁁]. ^{- (Pause) - for the fire that set it alight.[⁁]}[0247] What I saw then was that
the assumt^pi^tion I had been going on all these years, ^{my life,} namely that -
[0248] (He switches off machine impatiently, winds tape forward, switches
on again)

[0249] - granite rocks the foam flying up in the light of the
beacon and the anemometer spinning like a propellor, clear to me
at last that the dark I had have struggled to keep out of my work ^{at bay}
is in r^reality its ^the true ^{my most valuable -} - [0250] (He curses, switches off, winds tape for-
x^ward, switches on again)[0251] - strange association till my dying day
of storm and night with the light of understanding and the peace ^-
[0252] (He curses louder, switches off, winds tape forward, switches on
again)

[0253] - my face in her breasts and my hand on her.[0254] We lay there
without moving.[0255] But underneath us all moved, and moved us, up
gently, up and down, and to and fro. ^{from side to side.}
[0256] Pause.
[0257] Past midnight.[0258] Never knew such a silence.
[0260] Pause.
[0261] The coming year will decide. May I be given the strength and the - ^{Here I end this -}
[0262] He switches off, winds tape back, switches on again.

[0263] - upper lake, with the punt, bathed off the bank, then pushed out
into the str^ream and drifted.[0264] She lay stretched out on the floor-
boards with her hands under her head and her eyes closed.[0265] Hot ^Blazing sun,
with a bit of a breeze, and the water nice and lively.[0266] I noticed
a scratch on her thigh and asked her how she got it.[0267] Picking gos^ose-
berries, she said.[0268] I said again I thought it was hopeless and no
good going on, and she agreed, without opening her eyes.I asked

[0270] I asked