[p. 1r]  (strong young voice, but unmistakeably A's. Rather pompous.)  Thirty-seven today, sound apparently in wind (
he he rimes this word with mind) and limb, apart from my old trouble, and intellectually I have little doubt at the peak of my powers, or thereabouts.  Celebrated the solemn dreadful occasion, as in recent years, quietly at the Winehouse.  No one face there I knew.  Sat before the fire with closed eyes separating the grain from the chaff.  Jotted down a few notes, on the back of an envelope.  It is good to be home again, in my old things rags.  The new light over above my desk table is a great improvement.  With all this darkness round me I feel am less alone.  (Pause.)  In a way.  (Pa euse.)  I like to get up and move about in it, then back here to...(hesitates)... myself.
 The grain, what d
io I mean by that, I mean...(Pause.) I suppose I mean those things worth having when all the dust has - when all this dust has settled.  I close my eyes and try and imagine them.
 Extraordinary silence this evening. I strain my ears and do not hear a sound.  Old Miss
Williams Beamish always sings at this hour.  [⁁] The songs of her girlhood, she says.[⁁][←]  But not tonight.  I admire her.[←] [0112|001] I hope nothing Please Heavens nothing has happened to her.  Shall I sing when I am her age ?  Goodness [↑] if I ever am. Unlikely.  Did I sing as a boy?  No.  Did I ever sing?  No.
 I have just listened to an old year
., [⁁]passages at random.  I did not check up in the register book, but it must be at least ten or twelve or fifteen years ago.  At that time I was living on and off with Celia Furry in Street. [⁁]  Hopeless business.[Insert][⁁] DOODLE 1 DOODLE 2  I must say I - (A switches off machine, broods at length, switches on again.) - find this a great help before embarking on a new...er....review conspectus.  I find it hard It is hard to believe that young man was I.  Even tThe voice is unfamiliar not mine. .  Aspirations ,.  rResolutions.  To drink less, in particular.  He speaks of Statistics.  sSeventeen hundred hours, out of the preceding 8eight thousand odd, consumed on licensed premises alone.  Plans for a fuller less aspiring less exhausting sexual life.  Last illness of his father.  [⁁] Pursuit of happiness. DOODLE 3  Flagging spasmodic pursuit of happiness.  References to his life's work magnum opus [↓] .  Shadow of the magnum opus.  Closing with a - (brief laugh) - an appeal to a plea squeal Providence.  (Prolonged laugh.)  What remains of all that lumber misery?  A girl in a shabby green dress coat, on a railway-station platform?
 When I look - ( A s
iw witches off machine, broods, consults looks at watch, gets up and goes backstage into shadows.
 Pause of ten seconds.
 Sound of cork popping.
 Ten seconds.
 Second cork.
 Ten seconds.
 Third cork? Te cork.  Ten seconds.
 Sudden brief burst of song (Brief burst of raucous song.)
 He comes back into light from an unexpected angle, say front right , sits down, resumes his pose, switches on machine.)  - back on the year that is gone,
with the old eyes to come, there is of course the house on the canal where mother lay dying, in the early autumn, after her long widowhood, and the  bench by the weir from where I could see her window.  I sat there, wishing she were gone. [0208|001] Day after day .  Quite a number of people I got to know then, oh I mean by appearance, nursemaids and children, old men, dogs.  One dark young woman beauty I remember particularly, [⁁] all white and starch [⁁] with a big b alack pram. [0211|001] Day after day .  Whenever I looked in her direction she always had her eyes on me.  And yet But when at last I ventured[⁁] was foolish enough to speak to her she threatened to call a policeman.  The face she had ,!  eEyes  like...moonstones.  I was there when -o - 5( hHe switches off, broods, wswitches on again)- the blind went down, one of those dirty brown roller affairs, throwing a ball fo r a for a dog as it happened [Stet.] I was.  I looked up and there it was.  Over at last.  I sat a for a few minutes moment or so with the ball in my hand and the dog barking and pawing at me. [⁁]  [⁁]Moments ...
 Her moments. My moments.
 (Pause.)  In the x end Then I held it out to him and he took it in his mouth, very gently.  An old tennis ball, black and sodden, but unpunctured.  ( (Pause.)  I wonder how much there is there.) will that ever mean anything.
are better on the whole.
ytually a year of deep discouragement gloom profound gloom until that wonderful night in March, at the end of the pier, in the high wind, when suddenly I saw the whole thing.  The turning-point, at last.[⁁]  This , I realized over my wine, I imagine is what I have chiefly to record set down this evening, against the day when my work will be done and perhaps no place left in my memory, and no thankfulness, fo tr ethe moment miracle that - made it possible[⁁] . - (Pause) - for the fire that set it alight.[⁁]  What I saw then was that the assum tp ition I had been going on all these years, my life, namely that -  (He switches off machine impatiently, winds tape forward, switches on again)  - granite rocks the foam flying up in the light of the beacon and the anemometer spinning like a propellor, clear to me at last that the dark I had have struggled to keep out of my work at bay is in rreality its the true my most valuable - -  (He curses, switches off, winds tape for xward, switches on again)  - strange association till my dying day of storm and night with the light of understanding and the peace -  (He curses louder, switches off, winds tape forward, switches on again)  - my face in her breasts and my hand on her.  We lay there without moving.  But underneath us all moved, and moved us, up gently, up and down, and to and fro . from side to side.
 Past midnight.  Never knew such a silence.
The coming year will decide. May I be given the strength and the - Here I end this -