MS-UoR-2934

[0042] left him ^{died on him & left him.} [0043] Strokes now clear as ^if carried by the wind ^and now faint in the still air. [0044] Cries afar now faint now clear. [0045] Head on hands half hoping when the hour came that the half hour would not would and half fearing that it would not. [0046] Similarly when the half hour came. [0047] Similarly when the cries a moment ceased. [0048] Or merely wondering. [0049] Or merely waiting. [0050] Waiting to hear.

[0051] There had been a time he would lift his head enough to see his hands. [0053] One laid on the table. The other laid on it. [0054] At rest after all they did. [0055] Lift it ^{his past head} a moment to see those past hands. [0056] Then lay it back on them to rest it too. [0057] After all it did.

[0058] The same place as when they went & left him. The as when left day after day for the roads. [0059] The back roads. [0060] Returned to night after night. [0061] Paced back & forth ^{from wall to wall} in the dark. [0062] The passing dark of night. [0063] Now as if strange to him he saw ^{seen to} rise as seen and start to go. [0064] Disappear to ^& reappear again & again at another place. [0065] Disappear again & reappear again at another place again. [0066] Or at the same. [0067] Nothing to show not the same. [0068] No wall toward which or from. [0069] No table back toward which or further from. [0070] In that same now wallless place as when paced from wall to wall all places as the same. [0071] Or in another. [0072] Nothing to show not another. [0073] Where never^. before. [0074] Rise & start to go in the same place as ever. [0075] Disappear & reappear in another where never. [0076] Nothing to show not another where never. [0077] Nothing but the clock. [0078] The cries. [0079] The same as ever.

[0080] Till so many strokes ^{and so many cries} since he last disappeared that perhaps he would not reappear ^{be seen} again. [0081] Then so many cries since the clock last struck that perhaps it would not strike ^{be heard} again. [0082] But ^{Leaving Leaving} nothing to suggest when the cries ^last ceased that perhaps ^{sole sound even} they ^too would not be heard again.

^{Ussy
July 86}
[0083] Thus ^perhaps the end. [0084] Unless no more than a mere lull. [0085] Then all as before. [0086] The strokes & cries as before & he as before now there now gone now there again now gone again. [0087] Then the lull ^yet again. [0088] Then all as before again. [0089] So on ^{again & again}. [0090] And patience till the one true end to time & grief & self & second self his own.

he must be said to -

What walls were there that might as well not have been?

So all ears till now

^Light only to be described as none different other than the in- ^{indescribable indoor a reproduction of the} indescribable indoor

But come & go as he might and so in principle presumably drew nearer ^closer to the clock wherever it was or further from it away the strokes were still those now clear now faint as when in theory ^principle deadened by his four walls.

Of the single other sound namely that of cries so long the enlivener of his solitude as he sat at his table head on hands the same was true.

Of the sole other sound that is that of cries

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Ussy
August 85
Could the old creature have known & so not known he would not have known what ^{known and so} not known what he will now be said not to know by one have known by and not known by one said for convenience to have been with him to the end

Paris
Sept. 85
[0091] As if as one in his right mind ^senses when at last he again went out he at last went ^was out again he was not long out again when he began to wonder if he was in his right mind ^senses. [0092] For if not postulated thus he could hardly ^{thus could he} have wondered thus or indeed at all? Could one out of his mind be reasonably said to wonder if he was not out of his mind and bring what is is more his reason to bear on this initial perplexity in the way he must be said to do if he is to be said at all? [0092|001] Clearly not. [0093] It was therefore necessarily ^perforce in the guise of a reasonable being that for some ^unknown reason ^{beyond his} he could ^not grasp he emerged ^{at last} from his long confinement ^seclusion into the open air ^{outer world} and had not been there more than five or six hours by the clock when he could not but begin to wonder if he was in his right mind. [0094] By the same clock whose strokes were familiar those heard times without number in his retreat ^seclusion and as it struck the hours and half hours and so in a sense of ^{at first} a source of reassurance. Till finally one of disquiet ^alarm as being no louder ^clearer now nor ^than indeed faster as he ^{in the open came or} went this way and that & to and fro than when he was (found) fixed within the deadening walls. And indeed ^{or on the contrary} for that reason no fainter as in the clear ^open he came and went than to his past (^{and motionless} within the deadening walls). But come & go as he might and so in principle drew closer to the clock or from it further away wherever it was or from it further away the strokes were still there ^{the same in all respects} now clear now faint as when in principle deadened by his four walls. [0095] Then he called to his help the image of one hastening westward at sundown to obtain a better view of Venus ^Hesperus and found it of none. [0096] ^{Or the clear way of which he could think of no example.} Of the single ^sole other sound namely ^{that is} that of cries so long the enlivener of his solitude as lost to suffering he sat at his table head on hands the same was true that is namely now the no no clearer now with only the sky above than ^now under the sky than then and now as then now faint in the still air now clear as if carried by the wind but no wind.

without memory of the scene

Likewise their whenceabouts no more to be determined out of doors than hardly to be wondered at within.

sought help in the thought that perhaps his memory of outdoors was perhaps at fault & found it of none.

from even the very heart of which
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Curse same hell ^{inward eye} of solitude

recourse to those remains

probabilism

look inwards
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[0096] Likewise the cries no louder now clearer now under the sky than xx when within immured head on hands and now as then now faint now clear as if windborne but no wind. [0097] Likewise their whenceabouts no more to be determined out of doors than unsurprisingly within. [0098] Bringing to bear on all this all his remains of reason he sought help in the thought that his memory of indoors was perhaps at fault & found it of none. [0099] Further to his perplexity his soundless tread as when barefoot he trod his floor. All ears so far and nothing to ^{worse than} no avail he finally began to look about him. [0100] So ^{all ears} from bad to worse till in the end he ceased if not to hear to listen - began to look about him [0101] with the result he was in a field of grass which went some way if nothing else to account for his soundless tread and ^{as if to pay for this} before long again in trouble. ^{and then a little later as if to make up for this some way to increase his trouble.} [0102] For he could recall no field of grass from even the very heart of which no limit of any kind was to be seen discovered but always ^{in some quarter or another} some end in sight such as a hedge or some other form ^manner of bourn for ^from which to make ^return. [0103] Nor on his looking ^more closer ^{to make matters worse} was this the short green grass he seemed to remember eaten down by flocks & herds but long and in colour light grey verging here & there on white. [0104] Then he sought help in the thought that his memory of outdoors was perhaps at fault & found it of none. [0105] So all eyes from bad to worse till in the end he ceased if not to see to look about him ^{or more closely} & set out to what is in the word to introspect out to consider same or another ^cogitate. [0106] To this end for want of a mound ^stone on which to sit ^{like Walter with crossed legs and cross his legs} and ^perhaps bury his head in his hands he ^xx could think of nothing better ^{there was nothing better left to him} than better than nothing to stop dead & stand stock still which after a moment of hesitation he did and of course bow himself down ^{? sink his head as one deep in thought meditation} which after another moment of hesitation he did also. [0107] But soon weary of delving in vainly delving in those remains he moved on through the long hoar grass resigned to not knowing where he was or how he eve ^{how he had} got there or where he which where he was going or how to get back to whence he knew not how he came. [0108] [A] So on unknowing and no end in sight. [0109] Not only xxx Unknowing and with no without any wish to know[A] what is more no least wish to know[A] ^{[A] .. nor indeed any wish of any kind nor therefore any sorrow save the wish that the old longing for the chimes to cease and the cries for good and sorrow that they did not. that he would have preferred the chimes to cease & the cries for good & was sorry that they did not.} [0110] ^{The chimes now faint now clear as if carried by the wind but not a breath and the cries now faint now clear.}

Paris June 86
[0080] Till that last sorrow xxx when so many strokes cries since the last strokes ^heard & then such silence since the last cries ^heard that heeded this sorrow to a little by little in its turn this sorrow dies & leaves him.

Ussy July 86
Next back x in at last back in again no knowing how & all again as before word for word till the words till so many ^following which now unsaid and on if ever from the same as ever. x Now unsaid Unsay not because then missaid because ^since all missaid but because ^since before their time too soon but because

too soon ^{too soon.} [0084] Unless let stand to mean no more than at most a mere lull & then all ^{word for word} as before the strokes & cries & he as before now there now gone now there again now gone again. x Unless keep as meaning ^{not meant to mean} yet keep as meaning not an ^{not meant to mean the} end but at most no more than a mere lull [0086] & then word for word as before the strokes & cries & he as before now there now gone now there again ^{now gone again} [0090] and patience till the one sure ^true end his own. to time & grief & self & second self his own.

Brief Dream
[0111] Go end there
One fine day
Where never till then
till as much ^as to say
no matter where
no matter when

[0001] Une nuit assis à sa table la tête sur les mains il se vit se lever et disparaître. [0002] Une nuit nuit ou un jour. [0003] Car éteinte sa lumière à lui ^{propre lumière} ce ne fut pas le noir. [0004] Il arrivait ensuite de la lumière par l'unique lucarne. [0005] Sous elle encore le tabouret sur lequel jusqu'à ne plus pouvoir ou vouloir il montait pour voir le ciel. [0006] S'il ne se penchait pas ^dehors pour voir ce qui se trouvait ^{qu'il y avait} en bas c'était sans doute ^peut-être parce qu'elle ne s'ouvrait pas ou qu'il ne pouvait ou ne voulait pas l'ouvrir. [0007] Peut-être ne ^{qu'il ne} savait-il que trop bien ce qui se trouvait ^{qu'il y avait} en bas et ne désirait plus le savoir. [0008] Si bien qu'il ne restait là tout bonnement haut au-dessus de la terre et voyait à travers la vitre embuée le ciel sans nuages. [0009] Sa faible lumière fixe sans exemple dans son souvenir des jours et nuits où sans relâche ^? le jour succédait à la nuit et la nuit au jour. [0010] Eteinte ^donc sa lumière à lui donc cette lumière du dehors devînt sa seule lumière jusqu'à ce que celle-ci à son tour s'éteignît le laissant dans le noir. [0011] Jusqu'à ce que celui-ci à son tour s'éteignît.

[0012] Une nuit ou un jour donc assis à sa table la tête sur les mains il se vit se lever et disparaître. [0013] D'abord se lever et se tenir debout accroché à la table. [0014] Puis se rasseoir. [0015] Puis se lever à nouveau et se tenir à nouveau debout accroché à la table à nouveau. [0016] Puis disparaître. [0017] Commencer à disparaître. [0018] A pas invisibles commence à disparaître. [0019] Si lentement que seuls les changements de place ^d'endroit pour preuve qu'il allait. [0020] Comme lorsqu'il disparaissait rien que pour réapparaître plus tard à une autre place ^{un autre endroit}. [0021] Puis disparaissait à nouveau ^{encore redisparaissait?} rien que pour réapparaître encore à une autre place ^{un autre endroit} encore. [0022] Ainsi sans cesse disparaissait encore rien pour réapparaître encore à une autre place ^{un autre endroit}. [0023] Un autre endroit dans l'endroit où assis à sa table la tête sur les mains. [0024] Même endroit et même table que lorsque Darly par exemple mourut et ^en l'abandonna^{nt le laissant seul?} . [0026] Lorsque d'autres encore à leur tour en l'abandonnant jusqu'à lui aussi à son tour. [0027] La tête sur les mains à moitié ^en espérant x lorsqu'il disparaissait encore qu'il ne réapparaîtrait ^{pas pas} encore et à moitié ^en le craignant. [0028] Ou seulement en se dem le demandant. [0029] Ou seulement en attendant. [0030] En attendant voir si s'il se levait ou non.